antihistamine dreams

walter payton wheaties box

So my awesome new beard has been overshadowed by the fact that I have a huge zit, and my allergies have been going buck wild, and I have been all hopped up on antihistamines, saline nasal spray, and red wine…which in turn means I look terrible and so people would be like “Man you look way better without a need to shave that shit off” because they will assume I look like crap because of the beard when in reality it’s because of pollen, pus, and possibly a rogue rhinovirus that mistook my sinuses for the African and Asian wildlife exhibit at the zoo. And what would a cold virus have to do with rhinoceroses anyway? I suppose it’s the latin root word or something. Biology was never my strong point(no pun intended.) Maybe one labman dude thought these little cold viruses looked like Rhinos under a microscope. Can you imagine? Like rhinoceros shaped cereal or something. It would be called “Rhinocer-Oh’s” or just “Rhin-OH’s” ….million dollar idea given away for free! well okay, more like something that probably already exists which you’d find in the bulk discount section at Family Dollar or Food City if you were doing it dirty. John McCain could be on the front of the box like Walter Payton was on “Wheaties”(I forget who’s on the front of a Wheaties box these days…but probably not Tiger Woods due to him turning out to be a sleazy, pervitronic, manwhore.)

Anyhow, one time in grade school my old friend Mike Korsi cut out Walter Payton from the front of his Wheaties box…and brought the cardboard cutout of him to school. Whenever the teacher turned around or wasn’t looking, he would slowly make Walter’s head peer out over the top of his desk at people until finally you’d see number #34. It was one of those things that made you laugh so hard your 2% catholic school issued Borden milk(if it’s Borden, it’s got to be good!) would come squirting out of your nose. Just saying.